I am whole again

If I would have tried writing this post 6 month ago, I would have been lying to myself.

But today, right now, it is time that I give you a perspective of me beyond my trademark cynical persona. 6 months ago, I was living in Seattle, Washington, trapped within the confines of the UW greek system, force-fed sisterhood and friendship, and feeling myself withering away.

My life in Washington was the lowest life that I have ever lived. I felt like an exile in my own body, only tethered to reality by the thinnest wisp of self-denial that I was actually okay.

Now, I understand that these revelations might be hard to understand as an outsider with little to no background on my life or these awful experiences that I'm talking about. But, to be honest, I don't need to open that wound again. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about coming back.

Depression and Shayne have been synonymous terms for the past 7 years of my life, but now depression is bottled up into a tiny Prozac pill and washed down with a swig of water. I am by no means living my best life; that shit's cliche as hell. But. I really do truly feel whole again.

What is whole? Whole to me is me finally being able to ditch my vice of food and actually lose the weight. Whole to me is talking to someone and actually feeling heard. Whole to me is not giving a matted rat's ass that nobody from my dark past college life has reached out to me since I left. Whole to me is looking at my best friend and 100% knowing that she loves me, not because she's my friend--but because she's my sister (sorority pun ironically intended). Whole to me is exactly how I feel right now.

And getting here hasn't been easy. When I left Washington I did a lot of self-searching. I went to therapy, I cried, dove into school work to start getting through it. Then, somewhere in between, I simply realized: I was through it.

This post isn't about pity or inspiration. It isn't about me. In fact, I don't think that this post has any point at all, except for this:

The person writing this is an ever-changing, emotional, twisted, angry, cynical, happy, excited, hopeful, beautiful, complex human who has more than one demon hovering above her head. And I don't think that's ever going to change, but, you know what?

Thank frickin God.