The Comeback

A therapist once told me purpose is the opposite of depression. People who have a sense of purpose tend to live longer, generally enjoy the day-to-day (even if it's humdrum) and use that purpose to propel them through the harder times. And that sentiment makes sense. I mean, depression, hopelessness, a rut--whatever you want to call it--is inertia. "Purpose" has a vitality and momentum to it, and those things are attractive to anyone searching for a more fulfilling life.

After that heartfelt little monologue, I don't think I have to say this, but I'm going to anyway: I'm currently one of those people searching for their purpose. I'm nearly halfway through my 20s, working at Trader Joe's with but one year as a professional journalist in my rearview and a thousand crossroads in front of me. When I left my last job, I questioned everything about what I'd spent the last 5 years of my life doing. Am I cut out for journalism? What can I say that hasn't been said before, how can I fight for air while treading water in the already overcrowded pool of applicants vying for a chance just like me? Do I even want to write for a living?

But I knew I was in no position to try answering those questions; mostly because they're largely rhetorical, but also because I didn't have the space to do it. So I took a large step back.

That was about five months ago. During that time, I've continued to put in 40 hours a week to pay the bills, but the hours I previously spent stressing about my next deadline or what my boss was going to say about my work were basically eliminated, therefore freeing my mind to clear and process everything I'd been through over the last year. I'm not going to say those months have been particularly invigorating or stimulating--I am working at a grocery store, after all--but I've realized the mundanity of it is just the right antidote. The spaces in my brain that used to harbor anxiety now marinate those questions of purpose that I still have, and I finally have the energy to do something about them.

But that's not easy either. What I have now is essentially a blank canvas. I can do whatever I want, when and how I want to do it. That's simultaneously exciting and terrifically overwhelming. My first instinct is to just start trying different things and see if anything sticks. The more sensible part of me, though, tells me I should go with what I know and keep trying to make it work.

However.

Sensibility and doing what I "should" is what brought me here. I've decided I'm grateful for that, but it just doesn't work for me. I value adventure, creativity and authenticity. I wasn't really doing or being any of those things before. In fact, what I was doing was slowly blurring my values until I couldn't see straight anymore.

I may not know what my purpose is at this moment, but I know I'm a whole lot closer to figuring it out than I was a year ago. Because I know what matters to me, and what doesn't.

And I think that's a damn good place to start.